Disease
by Les Amis
Summary: A . . . slightly different take on Remus's experiences during POA. This was deleted and then re-posted so all reviews/favorites/alerts were deleted.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don not own the works of literary art that go by the title of the…Harry Potter and the series.

I do own my characters, once I create them, you may recognize them by the fact that they are not in any of the books.

I sat down on the side of my bed, allowing a heavy sigh to escape my lips. I got up and looked at my worn, leathery face.

I was alone.

Completely alone.

Not lonely, just…alone.

I stared back into my own, dulled eyes." I didn't always look this bad" I reminded myself, and it was true. Once my face was youthful and full of laughter, my eyes bright and happy.

But, no more.

Not now, now that I had seen so much…now that I had experienced so much pain and disappointment. Now that the only people I ever cared about where dead or had abandoned me.

I slowly made my way to the window and looked out at the moon, so close, and yet, why worry, even though I don't have the potion I'm to far away to do any real damage, only to myself, but that was a daily thing anymore.

I had my good days, I would remember all the good times I have had with my friends, but most of the time It wasn't. I suffered from depression and when I wasn't looking back at all the death and sorrow I had experienced I was contemplating my own death

Death, it used to frighten me, but now I consider it my only real friend. This friend could get me out of any situation. This world is insane, people criticize me for my feelings but don't try to help, can they not see it in my eyes, hear it in my voice? I'm pleading for it, I need it more than anything, it's the one thing no one offers….help.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: What did I do to deserve this? A/N: I would like to thank my reviewer(s), much appreciation goes out to my dear friend milee, whom was also the first to review and I encourage you to read her stories they are exquisite.

Disclaimer: I still don't own recognizable characters

I sighed as I sat down on the foot of my bed and silently stared around at my one room shack.

It was bare; the only signs of any habitation are the very bed I'm sitting on, the mirror hanging on the wall, and the small flame flickering in the fire place.

It's nothing like the fire that roared continuously in the common room. There I would sit with my friends: James, the so called "leader" of our little group (oftentimes accompanied by the ever lovely Miss Evens) Sirius, the playful one that treacherous son of a...well he wasn't that way then, then he was a good friend, the best even not a good boyfriend to those poor random blondes but a good friend non the less, and then there was Peter, oh poor Peter, who turned out to be the bravest one of us and the truest friend. And to think I though he was the spy.

I'm sorry Pete...

I'm sorry James and Lily...

I'm sorry I thought the wrong person betrayed you. I'm sorry that I didn't go after Sirius myself, I'm especially sorry little Harry will grow up with those horrid people and never know you.

But more than that I'm sorry for myself

That's right, I'm selfish, always have been really.

I was selfish to let you risk your lives and the lives of innocent bystanders for a bit of fun, and I'm selfish now because the only reason I really feel sorry is because of what I lost, never mind that you lot lost your lives, that Harry lost his parents, or even that Sirius lost his freedom, no I'm sorry that I'm alone...again.

I wish I had some coffee.

Better yet I wish I had a bottle of firewhiskey.

I'd like to get good and drunk, just completely out of it, no ones here to see me make a fool of myself and it's not like I have a wife that I might end up beating or a child that could get hurt because I was lost in a drunken stupor. I might have had all of that at one time but I don't anymore. Thanks to her I don't have anything, not even a bloody bottle of firewhiskey.

Not much I can do now; no one would love a werewolf. She might have, at one time, but not the everlasting type of love, that doesn't exist. Perhaps Lily and James had it, I will never know now.

I could hire a prostitute, sure it isn't love but it would occupy my time and I could pretend that it was her...oh, Anna why? Why did you have to go so badly? What did I do to deserve this?


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: She Just...Left

A/N: I must be on a roll I've had writers block since I wrote the first chapter in October, finally posted it yesterday wrote one today and may very well finish another and post it before the night is over .And I would like to add that my last chapter, after I re-read it sounded familiar if I stole your idea I'm very sorry I didn't realize it at the time.

Disclaimer: so far the only character I own is Anna tried to find a name that fit into the potterverse better but couldn't find anything I liked.

I stared back into my fireplace with what I suppose would have been a serine look on my hardened, bitter face.

I'm sure if this had been a painting the artist would make millions and a piece of my miserable life would hang in hallways by the abundance.

It would have to be the hallway; it's not cheerful or formal enough to hang in a family room or an old fashioned parlor.

And someone would be permanently scarred if it where in a bedroom or bathroom, exposing ones self in my presence never seemed to be anyone's idea of comfort, even during seduction, not that I had much experience there.

I rolled my newly-lighted cigarette between my fingers, I was never much for smoking, thought it was a terribly unattractive habit that eventually led to your inevitable death.

Now that I think about it that sentence doesn't make sense, if your death is indeed inevitable, which it is, than why on earth would you be careful? It will happen anyway.

I took a final, long drawl from the remains of my cigarette, which I only had about six puffs of anyway, before I crushed it in a nearby ashtray.

I'm really a very pathetic piece of work, aren't I?

Here I am, sitting in my shack staring at fire and thinking to myself, I even take the time to correct the sentences I think in my head! I must be the only person in the world who thinks in good sturdy sentences in which any English teacher would be proud of...and then I correct myself!

It's a habit I picked up from Anna.

Except she would think aloud and then she would turn to me and say something along the lines of "what? Like you don't know anyone else who thinks aloud, at least I don't answer myself," which that right there was a blatant lie. I've overheard entire arguments she had by herself. It wasn't that she was particularly crazy, she was just annoyingly indecisive.

A true Libra in every aspect, at least according to the horoscopes we studied in class: Indecisive and obsessed with things like art, literature, harmony, and above everything love.

I suppose you could say she was in love with being in love.

Maybe she never did love me but was just so desperate to have this idea of an emotion that she convinced herself that she did.

It doesn't really matter what was going on in her mind, I loved her. She captivated me with her mystic ways. She was the type of person you want to be or at least be around because she simply radiated with joy for everything, most of the time. She found beauty in everything and to her everything was a form of art. From music to dance and even cooking. It was all beauty in one form or another.

I loved everything about her: her rather temperamental personality, her red hair that looked auburn inside but was very bright when the sun shone upon it, her ivory skin and her dark green eyes.

And I hate her for it

She made me fall so desperately in love and then left me.

She pledged her undying love to me, she gave herself fully to me and I her, and she even carried our child.

And then she left, no explanation, no clue as to where, no way to contact her, I didn't even know if my child lived, or if it did what its gender is, for all I know she died.

Not even a last goodbye, she just...left.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Never Leave Anything Behind

Disclaimer: I own Anna and Damon, that's it as of now

I received a letter from Albus this morning.

Apparently he wants me to teach at Hogwarts. This opportunity left me feeling rather like the apothecary in Romeo and Juliet "My poverty, not my will, consents."

Anna would be proud of me for quoting that.

No, I refuse to think about her, I must concentrate on my job...a job, I actually have a job! But, I don't want it, well I do, but I don't want to hurt any of the students, but I am left with no choice really. Either I take the job or I starve to death.

I begin calculate the time until I will leave and when the full moons are as I idly open the mornings edition of the Daily Prophet while sipping on a cup of cheap coffee but end up spitting it out, not because of its horrible flavor which I have gotten used too, but because staring back at me from the front page was none other than Sirius Black, quickly I glanced at the headline to see he had escaped.

Suddenly it made sense, of course Albus would hire me now, not only is he having problems finding a Defense teacher but...Harry, he wants me to protect Harry, and he knows I would do anything to secure the safety of the last descendant of one of my truest friends.

Though it's unofficial I have always considered myself to be Harry's godfather, after all even if Sirius wasn't trying to kill him before he certainly wasn't fit to be there for Harry when he was in Azkaban, but unfortunately because it wasn't official and because Albus is possibly the most stubborn man ever I could not be there.

Now that I really think about it probably wouldn't be best to leave an infant in the care of a werewolf, I couldn't take care of him during the full moon. I can barely take care of myself but it would have been nice to have been his 'Uncle Moony'

That's what James dubbed me the moment Lily's pregnancy was announced, which was very close to the time Anna's pregnancy was announced, the girls where in hysterics when they found out you could here cries of "Oh my God!" and "were going to be mommy's together!" all the way down the street.

Lily and Anna had been best friends since their time at Hogwarts, despite the fact that Lily was in Gryffindor while Anna was in Ravenclaw, she was as good as a Gryffindor the moment she kicked Damon, a Slytherin hated by all, including fellow Slytherins, in the balls because he called Lily a mudblood.

I sighed, apparently I do that quite often, and went to pack my things, and it may still be a month or so before I would leave but I wasn't planning on leaving anything behind.

Never leave anything behind.


	5. Chapter 5

Hours turned into days and days turned into weeks and before long the weeks had muddled together into months and it was time for me to leave for Hogwarts. Once again I turned to my daily routine of reading the paper whilst sipping dirt cheap coffee.

I was tired.

I was very tired. But what could I do? Nothing.

Soon I found myself picking up my few possessions and looking back into the house with a strange sort of sentimentality one gets when embarking on what may best be described as a life altering event.

I glared into the broken down shack for a moment, remembering just how much I hated it. Then I smirked. And firmly slammed the door closed, or at least tried to but rather the door fell off its hinges. I shrugged and headed towards the train station.

Great.

Just great. My eyes ticked. I missed my train-I'd be traveling with students. Fun.

Oh, well. At least I'd be seated before them. I clamored into the train car as best I could dragging my luggage behind me dejectedly and soon dumped myself into a seat next to a window and allowed my mind to wander.

"Remus…." phantom voices called to me. Grasping for me, pulling me into a time long ago. But their cold, dead hands went through me a constant reminder that I could never return. Their faces taunted me-haunted me first as children, then as adults, and finally the way I last saw them, when I was called to 'clean up the mess'. Their eyes staring lifelessly into the oblivion the calm look upon their faces suggesting that their last moments were those of enlightenment in which the secrets of the galaxies are revealed.

Suddenly I felt cold. A different type of coldness-this was mind numbing.

My eyes snapped open and what I saw made my blood turn ice in my veins. Dementers-dementers where on the train and James was covered in sweat, gasping for breath, and screaming for help at my feet.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: no familiar characters are mine, once again-last chapter included.

James-no. Not James. Harry. I have to save Harry.

For James.

For Lily.

For Peter.

Each gave their life for this boy, my friends, their sacrifice would not go to waste.

I concentrated all my emotion and muttered the spell. The Dementer fled. I looked at Harry and once again was reminded of my past. I shook the thoughts out of my head and kneeled before the boy as he stirred.

"Harry, are you alright?" a voice from behind me trembles questioningly.

I stood up. Everything was alright….for now. Without thinking I explained the situation to those present, handed each a piece of chocolate and took off- I had to get out of there.

My throat was dry and it burned. I leaned up against a wall as I tried to slow my breath-when had I started hyperventilating?

I can't do this.

I can't see him everyday; see James' cocky smile and uncontrollable hair or Lilies kind eyes.

If I do then I'll remember, and I can't. I won't remember. I won't forget either, but the memory won't be staring me in the face.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I don't own it.

My world started spinning, I felt like a frightened child. I felt them, their hands pulling me, their voices screaming for me.

Then I saw it. Their decaying faces. Their dead lifeless eyes, but this time they were concentrated on me.

"Its your fault, you did this, this should be you"

"No. I tried. I did."

"Not hard enough"

"I couldn't do anything more"

"liar"

"Honestly! I loved you! All of you, if I could have, don't you think I would have?"

"No. Your selfish. It may have cost you your life"

"I'd have gladly done so to spare you"

"IT WASN'T ENOUGH"

"Professor, are you all right?" a student interrupted my thoughts, a little red head girl I remembered seeing in the train compartment.

"Yes, I'm fine" I walked away.

'Don't you always?"

"Always what?"

"Walk away. From danger. From friends. From love."

"She left me!"

"Did she? I thought you left her….months before she dissappeard."

"What are you talking about?"

"Like you don't know"

"No. I don't" I ran to the bathroom and splashed my face with cold water. "They aren't real"

"Says who?"

"Your dead"

"So are you"

'What"

"Look." James' decaying finger pointed to the mirror.

I looked and was transported back to the living room of my old home; I saw the younger version of me sitting on the couch; my wife screaming at me.

"Remus! Just listen to me, look at me…something! They are gone, but we are not. We have to keep living"

Then I looked at myself and my eyes were staring lifelessly into the oblivion.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: Still don't own it.

This is a ridiculously short and rather boring chapter, but this is a very important interaction in the book and I needed to have something between the last chapter and his arrival at Hogwarts for this to make some semblance of sense. Not that it does anyway.

"No! " I screamed .

I heard a crash.

I looked about me and noticed the shattered remains of the mirror were scattered about the floor.

My hands were bleeding.

I rubbed my eyes and sighed. They were gone.

I calmly unlocked the door and walked out into the corridor; I needed to head back to see about Harry.

When I got there the room was quite. "You know, I didn't poison that chocolate." I smiled weakly. Yet apparently this motion was enough to wake the children from their daze.

"What where those things? Who screamed?" James…no….Harry asked.

"Dementors." I answered simply. I chose to ignore the other question; I was half afraid that it had been me.

The boy looked at me; he had an empty, unfocused look in his eyes.

I decided to spend the rest of the train ride with the driver.


End file.
